West Allis NATIONALS Baseball

Citing a scathing West Allis Star expose and the recent death of a Baltimore Oriole pitching prospect, the Nationals Board of Directors announced Friday that Ephederine would no longer be provided to players. Gatorade, beer, and an occasional shot of Beam will remain on the players'training table. Ephederine use has been linked to the deaths of several professional athletes. Those predisposed to obesity or heart trouble are especially at risk. Thursday, the West Allis Star reported that West Allis was a hot bed for obese people, exceeding the national average by 36%. "Look, said general manager Steve Elliott, we've got all the factors in place for a disaster. We've got fat ballplayers who lack heart and are always looking for a jump start to gain an edge or dump some pork. We can't look the other way." One unnamed player saw it differently. "When I joined the team I was 6'1, 170lbs, lean and mean. Two seasons later I'm 5'9, 225. There's pressure every day to rise to level of past Nationals like Jeff "Big Daddy" Reeves. His exploits with the fork and knife are the stuff of legend. Poultry and foul to this day jump from the spit into the fire when he enters a room. While Elliott holds us to that standard in one breath, there's counterpressure to avoid the indignity of being Fatman of the Year. I've seen what that dishonor can do to a guy's self image and game...terrible. Ephederine is the only way I can be a proud, fat, slob and still be able to shed pounds quickly before the Fatman measurements are taken." We will continue to follow this story as it develops.