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Gunners vs Arse Match Report - A Play in Two Acts - by our impartial reporter
Dramatis Personae:
Cast of Players Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse: ·
Costantini: an Italian nobleman ·
Grundy: a merchant of fine rugges ·
Cahill: prince of Canuck ·
The Earl of Cunningham ·
Sir Hall of Drew ·
Eric: advisor to the king ·
Squire Jimmy: steward to the king ·
Rolf: lord chamberlain ·
Vranos: a money lender ·
Christian: captain of the guard ·
Marty: a make-up artist ·
Celso and Victor: defenders of the faith ·
Carroll: a steeple-jack ·
Gelcius: jester to the court ·
Clifford: an old soldier ·
Peter de Chetcuti and Thomas von Metzger: ghosts ·
Malloy: a gentleman ·
Joey: the Italian ambassador ·
Guillermo and Salazar: jugglers ·
Fergal: an Irish rogue ·
Anna, Tara, Lesley, Laurie and Joanna: courtesans ·
Ben, Bryan, Charlie, Molly, Oliver, Harry and Tara: mascots
Ye Foul and Filthie Forties: ·
The Duke of Saunders ·
Carss: his manservant ·
Sir Paul de Korngiebel: a knave most odious ·
Le Dauphin de Seiler, a villain ·
Ferguson: a Scottish miser and part-time idiot ·
Maughan: an amputee ·
Bretschger: chief leech collector ·
Peter: a ruffian ·
Elrod: groom of the stool ·
Gazidis: a Greek bench-warmer ·
Carvalho and Thorsen: grave-diggers ·
Avdullah: a mule skinner ·
Creton and Rollins: laborers ·
Guido and Milenko: lepers ·
Yost: the dung-keeper's assistant ·
Roger: a beggar
Ye Officials: *Ye referee * Ye merrie linesmen
* * * * * * * * *
Act I Scene I A seedy tavern in Greenwich, CT, dimly lit.
Grundy, Costantini and Cahill are huddled around a table, sipping Shirley Temples.
Costantini: To play the offside trap or not to play the offside trap: that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler on the field to suffer the slings and arrows of Korngiebel's usual bull*** or, by opposing, end them.
Cahill: But soft! "Offside" is but a word that cowards use, devised at first to keep the strong in awe.
Grundy: Verily, yonder Pride Cuppe awaits our pennants once more.
Costantini: 'Tis true, good sir, we hath only to overcome Ye Foul and Filthie Forties, 'ere we quaff Asti Spumante once more from out her silver portals.
Cahill: We few, we happy few, we band of brothers, shall put a dozen goals past the Duke of Saunders and his odious ruffians.
Grundy: Methinks 'tis long past time to emulate last year's four-nil thrashing.
[Enter waiter]
Ye Waiter: Come on now gentlemen, 'tis drinking up time, have ye no homes to go to?
Grundy: When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
Costantini: When the hurlyburly 's done.
Cahill: When the battle's lost and won.
Grundy: Gentlemen, gentlemen, till the morrow, then.
Costantini: Good night, fine sirs. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Cahill: Upon thy cheek I lay this zealous kiss, as seal to the indenture of my love.
Grundy: Goodnight, sweet prince.
[Exeunt] [Curtain falls]
* * * * * * * * *
Scene II A soccer field in Greenwich.
Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse line up against Ye Foul and Filthie Forties under the watchful eyes of Ye Referee and his merrie linesmen.
Costantini: I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips, straining upon the start. God, the best maker of footy teams, combine our hearts in one!
All [shouting]: Gunners!
Ye Referee: If soccer be the food of love, play on.
[They play]
Squire Jimmy: 'Pon my word, hath Carss vanished?
Rolf: Verily, his absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let us make merry.
Malloy: 'Tis true, and I also think it strange that neither art Saunders and Creton to be found!
Gelcius: Cowards die many times before their deaths.
Squire Jimmy: I dote on their very absence
Rolf: But soft! See, 'tis Ferguson afoot upon the field.
Ye Gunnerse [together]: Who is Ferguson?!
Malloy: What ho! Eric hath performed yonder slide tackle. See how that scoundrel Gazidis limps!
All: Huzzah!
Gelcius: Meanwhile ye Gunnerse assault yon Forties goal in battalions.
Squire Jimmy: See! Ye Gunnerse are using the wings and Christian hath tested ye goalie twice now.
Rolf: Indeed, they are playing the short ball as instructed.
Malloy: Is the end nigh?
Gelcius: Have patience and endure. Surely ye net will ripple anon.
Squire Jimmy: See! Victor's first touch was immaculate and his shot hath been deflected into the goal. Ye Forties weep and wail.
Referee: One nil to ye Gunnerse!
Rollins: Oh woe is us!
Gelcius: Fair is foul, and foul is fair.
Referee: Ye clock hath struck. Half time!
[Exeunt] [Curtain falls]
* * * * * * * * *
Act II Scene I. A soccer field in Greenwich.
Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse take the field a second time against Ye Foul and Filthie Forties.
Ye Referee: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.
Grundy: Cry "Havoc" and let slip the dogs of war!
Marty: Methinks 'tis time to pass to Cahill.
Cahill: This play's the thing wherein I'll test the eyesight of the ref.
Maughan: He wears the rose of youth upon him, but 'tis sure I shall clip this varlet's heels.
Cahill [falling]: Aaaaaggghhh!
Ye Referee: Penalty!
Maughan: I decree, fine sir, 'tis time to purchase a new pair of specs.
Ye Referee: I am not bound to please thee with mine answers.
Cahill: Dear Referee, t hou art as wise as thou art beautiful. 'Twas verily a foul most heinous.
Maughan: I am a man more sinned against than sinning.
Cahill [sotto voce]: Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it.
[Enter Salazar]
Salazar: How now, good sirs, for I am bound to take yon penalty! [
Salazar shoots and scores.]
Ye Referee: Two nil to Ye Gunnerse!
Sir Paul de Korngiebel: Verily, Cahill hath won ye Oscar, and yonder referee hath neither wit nor sight to guide him.
Marty: The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
[Curtain falls]
* * * * * * * * *
Scene II. A soccer field in Greenwich.
Ye Foul and Filthie Forties replace the ball upon the center spot and kick off.
Bretschger: We are in danger of losing this match most egregiously.
Guido: This is the true beginning of our end.
Le Dauphin de Seiler: A goal, a goal, my kingdom for a goal!
Sir Hall of Drew: Behold, Ye Forties hath begun moving ye ball around nicely.
Vranos: Are you sure 'tis indeed them, sire, and not a bunch of ringers?
Celso: 'Tis remarkable but true! Methinks they have improved yon passing tenfold.
Carroll: A shot! And see how Costantini hath leapt to block it!
Eric: Indeed he is a man among men!
Sir Hall of Drew: But soft! They attack again! Here cometh Avdullah and Gazidis with the ball at their very feet.
Carroll: Malloy and Grundy doth hound them too!
The Earl of Cunningham: I shall strike yon varlet. I must be cruel only to be kind.
Vranos: Alas, ye ball hath again been deflected. See how it dips beneath ye barre. Costantini's shutout is not complete!
Ye Referee: Ye Foul and Filthie Forties have scored.
Two-one to ye Gunnerse.
Sir Paul de Korngiebel: Oh ecstasy orgasm and rapture. Fortune hath smiled upon us.
Carroll: The empty vessel makes the most sound.
Celso: 'Tis neither here nor there.
The Earl of Cunningham: 'Twas naught but fluke, and their sun hath already set.
[Curtain falls]
* * * * * * * * *
Scene III. A soccer field in Greenwich.
Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse kick off.
Milenko: Verily, yon knave Guillermo is not a match for me! Indeed I shall nutmeg him.
Guillermo: This above all: t o thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou can'st not then nutmeg any man.
Squire Jimmy: See, Guillermo hath stolen ye ball. And look, he doth pass to Fergal.
Gelcius: Behold, Fergal hath split Ye Forties defence and he fires past Bretschger into the net.
Marty: 'Twas poetry, I warrant.
Ye Referee: Goal! Three-one to Ye Gunnerse.
Christian: But why doth Fergal emulate ye flyinge machine?
Cahill: I know not. 'Tis curious. Perhaps an Irish celebration.
Grundy: What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculty and form! How express and admirable in action! How like an angel in apprehension! How like a god! The beauty of the world!
Bretschger: We are undone.
Ye Referee: Thy sand hath run out. Full time! Ye Gunnerse prevail!
Ye Gunnerse [together]: Huzzah!
Gelcius: We are such stuff as dreams are made on.
Malloy: Victory is ours. Ye Pride Cuppe shall bear our colors for ever and a day.
Eric: Let us toast our fallen comrades. Clifford, Joey, Peter de Chetcuti and Thomas von Metzger, may your sun never set.
Sir Paul de Korngiebel: That it should come to this! My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Salazar: Hush yon whingeing, for mine ears art bleeding.
Vranos: Verily, Ye Forties will still be complaining five centuries from now.
Fergal: Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Marty: Action is eloquence. To the tavern!
[Curtain falls]
* * * * * * * * *
Scene IV. A seedy tavern in Greenwich, CT, brightly lit.
Ye Gunnerse stand arm in arm, holding tankards of beer.
All [singing]: Ole ole ole ole, ole ole!
Costantini: Ready. On three, boys!
Grundy: One . . . two . . . three.
All [in unison]: Go, ye Gunnerse!
[Curtain falls]
* * * * * * * * *
Gunners vs Arse Match Report - A Play in Two Acts - by our impartial reporter
Dramatis Personae:
Cast of Players Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse: ·
Costantini: an Italian nobleman ·
Grundy: a merchant of fine rugges ·
Cahill: prince of Canuck ·
The Earl of Cunningham ·
Sir Hall of Drew ·
Eric: advisor to the king ·
Squire Jimmy: steward to the king ·
Rolf: lord chamberlain ·
Vranos: a money lender ·
Christian: captain of the guard ·
Marty: a make-up artist ·
Celso and Victor: defenders of the faith ·
Carroll: a steeple-jack ·
Gelcius: jester to the court ·
Clifford: an old soldier ·
Peter de Chetcuti and Thomas von Metzger: ghosts ·
Malloy: a gentleman ·
Joey: the Italian ambassador ·
Guillermo and Salazar: jugglers ·
Fergal: an Irish rogue ·
Anna, Tara, Lesley, Laurie and Joanna: courtesans ·
Ben, Bryan, Charlie, Molly, Oliver, Harry and Tara: mascots
Ye Foul and Filthie Forties: ·
The Duke of Saunders ·
Carss: his manservant ·
Sir Paul de Korngiebel: a knave most odious ·
Le Dauphin de Seiler, a villain ·
Ferguson: a Scottish miser and part-time idiot ·
Maughan: an amputee ·
Bretschger: chief leech collector ·
Peter: a ruffian ·
Elrod: groom of the stool ·
Gazidis: a Greek bench-warmer ·
Carvalho and Thorsen: grave-diggers ·
Avdullah: a mule skinner ·
Creton and Rollins: laborers ·
Guido and Milenko: lepers ·
Yost: the dung-keeper's assistant ·
Roger: a beggar
Ye Officials: *Ye referee * Ye merrie linesmen
* * * * * * * * *
Act I Scene I A seedy tavern in Greenwich, CT, dimly lit.
Grundy, Costantini and Cahill are huddled around a table, sipping Shirley Temples.
Costantini: To play the offside trap or not to play the offside trap: that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler on the field to suffer the slings and arrows of Korngiebel's usual bull*** or, by opposing, end them.
Cahill: But soft! "Offside" is but a word that cowards use, devised at first to keep the strong in awe.
Grundy: Verily, yonder Pride Cuppe awaits our pennants once more.
Costantini: 'Tis true, good sir, we hath only to overcome Ye Foul and Filthie Forties, 'ere we quaff Asti Spumante once more from out her silver portals.
Cahill: We few, we happy few, we band of brothers, shall put a dozen goals past the Duke of Saunders and his odious ruffians.
Grundy: Methinks 'tis long past time to emulate last year's four-nil thrashing.
[Enter waiter]
Ye Waiter: Come on now gentlemen, 'tis drinking up time, have ye no homes to go to?
Grundy: When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
Costantini: When the hurlyburly 's done.
Cahill: When the battle's lost and won.
Grundy: Gentlemen, gentlemen, till the morrow, then.
Costantini: Good night, fine sirs. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Cahill: Upon thy cheek I lay this zealous kiss, as seal to the indenture of my love.
Grundy: Goodnight, sweet prince.
[Exeunt] [Curtain falls]
* * * * * * * * *
Scene II A soccer field in Greenwich.
Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse line up against Ye Foul and Filthie Forties under the watchful eyes of Ye Referee and his merrie linesmen.
Costantini: I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips, straining upon the start. God, the best maker of footy teams, combine our hearts in one!
All [shouting]: Gunners!
Ye Referee: If soccer be the food of love, play on.
[They play]
Squire Jimmy: 'Pon my word, hath Carss vanished?
Rolf: Verily, his absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let us make merry.
Malloy: 'Tis true, and I also think it strange that neither art Saunders and Creton to be found!
Gelcius: Cowards die many times before their deaths.
Squire Jimmy: I dote on their very absence
Rolf: But soft! See, 'tis Ferguson afoot upon the field.
Ye Gunnerse [together]: Who is Ferguson?!
Malloy: What ho! Eric hath performed yonder slide tackle. See how that scoundrel Gazidis limps!
All: Huzzah!
Gelcius: Meanwhile ye Gunnerse assault yon Forties goal in battalions.
Squire Jimmy: See! Ye Gunnerse are using the wings and Christian hath tested ye goalie twice now.
Rolf: Indeed, they are playing the short ball as instructed.
Malloy: Is the end nigh?
Gelcius: Have patience and endure. Surely ye net will ripple anon.
Squire Jimmy: See! Victor's first touch was immaculate and his shot hath been deflected into the goal. Ye Forties weep and wail.
Referee: One nil to ye Gunnerse!
Rollins: Oh woe is us!
Gelcius: Fair is foul, and foul is fair.
Referee: Ye clock hath struck. Half time!
[Exeunt] [Curtain falls]
* * * * * * * * *
Act II Scene I. A soccer field in Greenwich.
Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse take the field a second time against Ye Foul and Filthie Forties.
Ye Referee: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.
Grundy: Cry "Havoc" and let slip the dogs of war!
Marty: Methinks 'tis time to pass to Cahill.
Cahill: This play's the thing wherein I'll test the eyesight of the ref.
Maughan: He wears the rose of youth upon him, but 'tis sure I shall clip this varlet's heels.
Cahill [falling]: Aaaaaggghhh!
Ye Referee: Penalty!
Maughan: I decree, fine sir, 'tis time to purchase a new pair of specs.
Ye Referee: I am not bound to please thee with mine answers.
Cahill: Dear Referee, t hou art as wise as thou art beautiful. 'Twas verily a foul most heinous.
Maughan: I am a man more sinned against than sinning.
Cahill [sotto voce]: Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it.
[Enter Salazar]
Salazar: How now, good sirs, for I am bound to take yon penalty! [
Salazar shoots and scores.]
Ye Referee: Two nil to Ye Gunnerse!
Sir Paul de Korngiebel: Verily, Cahill hath won ye Oscar, and yonder referee hath neither wit nor sight to guide him.
Marty: The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
[Curtain falls]
* * * * * * * * *
Scene II. A soccer field in Greenwich.
Ye Foul and Filthie Forties replace the ball upon the center spot and kick off.
Bretschger: We are in danger of losing this match most egregiously.
Guido: This is the true beginning of our end.
Le Dauphin de Seiler: A goal, a goal, my kingdom for a goal!
Sir Hall of Drew: Behold, Ye Forties hath begun moving ye ball around nicely.
Vranos: Are you sure 'tis indeed them, sire, and not a bunch of ringers?
Celso: 'Tis remarkable but true! Methinks they have improved yon passing tenfold.
Carroll: A shot! And see how Costantini hath leapt to block it!
Eric: Indeed he is a man among men!
Sir Hall of Drew: But soft! They attack again! Here cometh Avdullah and Gazidis with the ball at their very feet.
Carroll: Malloy and Grundy doth hound them too!
The Earl of Cunningham: I shall strike yon varlet. I must be cruel only to be kind.
Vranos: Alas, ye ball hath again been deflected. See how it dips beneath ye barre. Costantini's shutout is not complete!
Ye Referee: Ye Foul and Filthie Forties have scored.
Two-one to ye Gunnerse.
Sir Paul de Korngiebel: Oh ecstasy orgasm and rapture. Fortune hath smiled upon us.
Carroll: The empty vessel makes the most sound.
Celso: 'Tis neither here nor there.
The Earl of Cunningham: 'Twas naught but fluke, and their sun hath already set.
[Curtain falls]
* * * * * * * * *
Scene III. A soccer field in Greenwich.
Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse kick off.
Milenko: Verily, yon knave Guillermo is not a match for me! Indeed I shall nutmeg him.
Guillermo: This above all: t o thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou can'st not then nutmeg any man.
Squire Jimmy: See, Guillermo hath stolen ye ball. And look, he doth pass to Fergal.
Gelcius: Behold, Fergal hath split Ye Forties defence and he fires past Bretschger into the net.
Marty: 'Twas poetry, I warrant.
Ye Referee: Goal! Three-one to Ye Gunnerse.
Christian: But why doth Fergal emulate ye flyinge machine?
Cahill: I know not. 'Tis curious. Perhaps an Irish celebration.
Grundy: What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculty and form! How express and admirable in action! How like an angel in apprehension! How like a god! The beauty of the world!
Bretschger: We are undone.
Ye Referee: Thy sand hath run out. Full time! Ye Gunnerse prevail!
Ye Gunnerse [together]: Huzzah!
Gelcius: We are such stuff as dreams are made on.
Malloy: Victory is ours. Ye Pride Cuppe shall bear our colors for ever and a day.
Eric: Let us toast our fallen comrades. Clifford, Joey, Peter de Chetcuti and Thomas von Metzger, may your sun never set.
Sir Paul de Korngiebel: That it should come to this! My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Salazar: Hush yon whingeing, for mine ears art bleeding.
Vranos: Verily, Ye Forties will still be complaining five centuries from now.
Fergal: Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Marty: Action is eloquence. To the tavern!
[Curtain falls]
* * * * * * * * *
Scene IV. A seedy tavern in Greenwich, CT, brightly lit.
Ye Gunnerse stand arm in arm, holding tankards of beer.
All [singing]: Ole ole ole ole, ole ole!
Costantini: Ready. On three, boys!
Grundy: One . . . two . . . three.
All [in unison]: Go, ye Gunnerse!
[Curtain falls]
* * * * * * * * *
Chiropractic offer from our very own Dr Tom Woodman
“Complimentary Consult Month”
At Specific Chiropractic Summer is a time when people slow down with the pressures of life and rejuvenate themselves by taking advantage of the warmer weather and longer days. Unfortunately, as summer comes to an end, many people slip back into the “daily grid” and lose the momentum towards health that they’ve created.
That is why Specific Chiropractic and Dr. Tom are welcoming August as “Complimentary Consult Month” for friends and family. Additionally, we have also extended a gift certificate to any new patient worth $125.00!
Common reasons why people seek chiropractors include:
Health and Wellness
Neck and Back Pain
Arm/Shoulder Pain
Leg/Hip Pain
Headaches
Sleeping Problems
TMJ Disorders
Digestive Disorders
Arthritis/Allergies
Scoliosis
Ear Infections
Knee/Ankle/Feet Problems
Carpel Tunnel Syndrome Symptom
Survey Assessment – Determines if a health issue could be related to a nutritional deficiency.
Computerized Foot Analysis – Determines if your foot, ankle, knee, hip and back pain could be related to poor arch support.
Many of us know people who would like to talk to someone about other ways to enhance their own health and wellness, or have some chronic condition that they would like to improve or eliminate. This is a great way for them to talk about these conditions and see if we can help them. Since we do no external marketing, almost all of our patients initially heard about us through word of mouth - Help us help others and spread the word! Forward this email to someone that you think might benefit from our office. To take advantage of this offer, please email us at drtom@specificchiro.com, or call us at (203) 316-8212. Mention this promotion so you can be scheduled appropriately.
Chiropractic offer from our very own Dr Tom Woodman
“Complimentary Consult Month”
At Specific Chiropractic Summer is a time when people slow down with the pressures of life and rejuvenate themselves by taking advantage of the warmer weather and longer days. Unfortunately, as summer comes to an end, many people slip back into the “daily grid” and lose the momentum towards health that they’ve created.
That is why Specific Chiropractic and Dr. Tom are welcoming August as “Complimentary Consult Month” for friends and family. Additionally, we have also extended a gift certificate to any new patient worth $125.00!
Common reasons why people seek chiropractors include:
Health and Wellness
Neck and Back Pain
Arm/Shoulder Pain
Leg/Hip Pain
Headaches
Sleeping Problems
TMJ Disorders
Digestive Disorders
Arthritis/Allergies
Scoliosis
Ear Infections
Knee/Ankle/Feet Problems
Carpel Tunnel Syndrome Symptom
Survey Assessment – Determines if a health issue could be related to a nutritional deficiency.
Computerized Foot Analysis – Determines if your foot, ankle, knee, hip and back pain could be related to poor arch support.
Many of us know people who would like to talk to someone about other ways to enhance their own health and wellness, or have some chronic condition that they would like to improve or eliminate. This is a great way for them to talk about these conditions and see if we can help them. Since we do no external marketing, almost all of our patients initially heard about us through word of mouth - Help us help others and spread the word! Forward this email to someone that you think might benefit from our office. To take advantage of this offer, please email us at drtom@specificchiro.com, or call us at (203) 316-8212. Mention this promotion so you can be scheduled appropriately.
Chiropractic offer from our very own Dr Tom Woodman
“Complimentary Consult Month”
At Specific Chiropractic Summer is a time when people slow down with the pressures of life and rejuvenate themselves by taking advantage of the warmer weather and longer days. Unfortunately, as summer comes to an end, many people slip back into the “daily grid” and lose the momentum towards health that they’ve created.
That is why Specific Chiropractic and Dr. Tom are welcoming August as “Complimentary Consult Month” for friends and family. Additionally, we have also extended a gift certificate to any new patient worth $125.00!
Common reasons why people seek chiropractors include:
Health and Wellness
Neck and Back Pain
Arm/Shoulder Pain
Leg/Hip Pain
Headaches
Sleeping Problems
TMJ Disorders
Digestive Disorders
Arthritis/Allergies
Scoliosis
Ear Infections
Knee/Ankle/Feet Problems
Carpel Tunnel Syndrome Symptom
Survey Assessment – Determines if a health issue could be related to a nutritional deficiency.
Computerized Foot Analysis – Determines if your foot, ankle, knee, hip and back pain could be related to poor arch support.
Many of us know people who would like to talk to someone about other ways to enhance their own health and wellness, or have some chronic condition that they would like to improve or eliminate. This is a great way for them to talk about these conditions and see if we can help them. Since we do no external marketing, almost all of our patients initially heard about us through word of mouth - Help us help others and spread the word! Forward this email to someone that you think might benefit from our office. To take advantage of this offer, please email us at drtom@specificchiro.com, or call us at (203) 316-8212. Mention this promotion so you can be scheduled appropriately.
