Waterbury Iliria

Mike Winnall Award Winner - Ian Carss

Over 30's MVP - Roger Luciano

Over 30's Coaches Player - Seb Lazar

Over 30's Goalscorer - Jason Brasher

Over 30's Rookie - George Ocampo 

Over 40's MVP - Marc Seiler

Over 40's Coaches Player - Michael Yost

Over 40's Goalscorer - Avdullah Djema

Over 40's Rookie - Ivan Gazidis

Gunners MVP - Lou Costantini 

Gunners Coaches Player - Martin Waters

Gunners Goalscorer - Ken Malloy & Christian Sullivan

Gunners Rookie - Drew Hall 

Mike Winnall Award Winner - Ian Carss

Over 30's MVP - Roger Luciano

Over 30's Coaches Player - Seb Lazar

Over 30's Goalscorer - Jason Brasher

Over 30's Rookie - George Ocampo 

Over 40's MVP - Marc Seiler

Over 40's Coaches Player - Michael Yost

Over 40's Goalscorer - Avdullah Djema

Over 40's Rookie - Ivan Gazidis

Gunners MVP - Lou Costantini 

Gunners Coaches Player - Martin Waters

Gunners Goalscorer - Ken Malloy & Christian Sullivan

Gunners Rookie - Drew Hall 

Mike Winnall Award Winner - Ian Carss

Over 30's MVP - Roger Luciano

Over 30's Coaches Player - Seb Lazar

Over 30's Goalscorer - Jason Brasher

Over 30's Rookie - George Ocampo 

Over 40's MVP - Marc Seiler

Over 40's Coaches Player - Michael Yost

Over 40's Goalscorer - Avdullah Djema

Over 40's Rookie - Ivan Gazidis

Gunners MVP - Lou Costantini 

Gunners Coaches Player - Martin Waters

Gunners Goalscorer - Ken Malloy & Christian Sullivan

Gunners Rookie - Drew Hall 

Dramatis Personae:

Cast of Players Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse: ·

Costantini: an Italian nobleman ·

Grundy: a merchant of fine rugges ·

Cahill: prince of Canuck ·

The Earl of Cunningham ·

Sir Hall of Drew ·

Eric: advisor to the king ·

Squire Jimmy: steward to the king ·

Rolf: lord chamberlain ·

Vranos: a money lender ·

Christian: captain of the guard ·

Marty: a make-up artist ·

Celso and Victor: defenders of the faith ·

Carroll: a steeple-jack ·

Gelcius: jester to the court ·

Clifford: an old soldier ·

Peter de Chetcuti and Thomas von Metzger: ghosts ·

Malloy: a gentleman ·

Joey: the Italian ambassador ·

Guillermo and Salazar: jugglers ·

Fergal: an Irish rogue ·

Anna, Tara, Lesley, Laurie and Joanna: courtesans ·

Ben, Bryan, Charlie, Molly, Oliver, Harry and Tara: mascots

 

Ye Foul and Filthie Forties: ·

The Duke of Saunders ·

Carss: his manservant ·

Sir Paul de Korngiebel: a knave most odious ·

Le Dauphin de Seiler, a villain ·

Ferguson: a Scottish miser and part-time idiot ·

Maughan: an amputee ·

Bretschger: chief leech collector ·

Peter: a ruffian ·

Elrod: groom of the stool ·

Gazidis: a Greek bench-warmer ·

Carvalho and Thorsen: grave-diggers ·

Avdullah: a mule skinner ·

Creton and Rollins: laborers ·

Guido and Milenko: lepers ·

Yost: the dung-keeper's assistant ·

Roger: a beggar

Ye Officials: *Ye referee * Ye merrie linesmen

* * * * * * * * *

Act I Scene I A seedy tavern in Greenwich, CT, dimly lit.

Grundy, Costantini and Cahill are huddled around a table, sipping Shirley Temples.

Costantini: To play the offside trap or not to play the offside trap: that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler on the field to suffer the slings and arrows of Korngiebel's usual bull*** or, by opposing, end them.

Cahill: But soft! "Offside" is but a word that cowards use, devised at first to keep the strong in awe.

Grundy: Verily, yonder Pride Cuppe awaits our pennants once more.

Costantini: 'Tis true, good sir, we hath only to overcome Ye Foul and Filthie Forties, 'ere we quaff Asti Spumante once more from out her silver portals.

Cahill: We few, we happy few, we band of brothers, shall put a dozen goals past the Duke of Saunders and his odious ruffians.

Grundy: Methinks 'tis long past time to emulate last year's four-nil thrashing.

[Enter waiter]

Ye Waiter: Come on now gentlemen, 'tis drinking up time, have ye no homes to go to?

Grundy: When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Costantini: When the hurlyburly 's done.

Cahill: When the battle's lost and won.

Grundy: Gentlemen, gentlemen, till the morrow, then.

Costantini: Good night, fine sirs. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Cahill: Upon thy cheek I lay this zealous kiss, as seal to the indenture of my love.

Grundy: Goodnight, sweet prince.

[Exeunt] [Curtain falls]

* * * * * * * * *

Scene II A soccer field in Greenwich.

Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse line up against Ye Foul and Filthie Forties under the watchful eyes of Ye Referee and his merrie linesmen.

Costantini: I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips, straining upon the start. God, the best maker of footy teams, combine our hearts in one!

All [shouting]: Gunners!

Ye Referee: If soccer be the food of love, play on.

[They play]

Squire Jimmy: 'Pon my word, hath Carss vanished?

Rolf: Verily, his absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let us make merry.

Malloy: 'Tis true, and I also think it strange that neither art Saunders and Creton to be found!

Gelcius: Cowards die many times before their deaths.

Squire Jimmy: I dote on their very absence

Rolf: But soft! See, 'tis Ferguson afoot upon the field.

Ye Gunnerse [together]: Who is Ferguson?!

Malloy: What ho! Eric hath performed yonder slide tackle. See how that scoundrel Gazidis limps!

All: Huzzah!

Gelcius: Meanwhile ye Gunnerse assault yon Forties goal in battalions.

Squire Jimmy: See! Ye Gunnerse are using the wings and Christian hath tested ye goalie twice now.

Rolf: Indeed, they are playing the short ball as instructed.

Malloy: Is the end nigh?

Gelcius: Have patience and endure. Surely ye net will ripple anon.

Squire Jimmy: See! Victor's first touch was immaculate and his shot hath been deflected into the goal. Ye Forties weep and wail.

Referee: One nil to ye Gunnerse!

Rollins: Oh woe is us!

Gelcius: Fair is foul, and foul is fair.

Referee: Ye clock hath struck. Half time!

[Exeunt] [Curtain falls]

* * * * * * * * *

Act II Scene I. A soccer field in Greenwich.

Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse take the field a second time against Ye Foul and Filthie Forties.

Ye Referee: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

Grundy: Cry "Havoc" and let slip the dogs of war!

Marty: Methinks 'tis time to pass to Cahill.

Cahill: This play's the thing wherein I'll test the eyesight of the ref.

Maughan: He wears the rose of youth upon him, but 'tis sure I shall clip this varlet's heels.

Cahill [falling]: Aaaaaggghhh!

Ye Referee: Penalty!

Maughan: I decree, fine sir, 'tis time to purchase a new pair of specs.

Ye Referee: I am not bound to please thee with mine answers.

Cahill: Dear Referee, t hou art as wise as thou art beautiful. 'Twas verily a foul most heinous.

Maughan: I am a man more sinned against than sinning.

Cahill [sotto voce]: Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it.

[Enter Salazar]

Salazar: How now, good sirs, for I am bound to take yon penalty! [

Salazar shoots and scores.]

Ye Referee: Two nil to Ye Gunnerse!

Sir Paul de Korngiebel: Verily, Cahill hath won ye Oscar, and yonder referee hath neither wit nor sight to guide him.

Marty: The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

[Curtain falls]

* * * * * * * * *

Scene II. A soccer field in Greenwich.

Ye Foul and Filthie Forties replace the ball upon the center spot and kick off.

Bretschger: We are in danger of losing this match most egregiously.

Guido: This is the true beginning of our end.

Le Dauphin de Seiler: A goal, a goal, my kingdom for a goal!

Sir Hall of Drew: Behold, Ye Forties hath begun moving ye ball around nicely.

Vranos: Are you sure 'tis indeed them, sire, and not a bunch of ringers?

Celso: 'Tis remarkable but true! Methinks they have improved yon passing tenfold.

Carroll: A shot! And see how Costantini hath leapt to block it!

Eric: Indeed he is a man among men!

Sir Hall of Drew: But soft! They attack again! Here cometh Avdullah and Gazidis with the ball at their very feet.

Carroll: Malloy and Grundy doth hound them too!

The Earl of Cunningham: I shall strike yon varlet. I must be cruel only to be kind.

Vranos: Alas, ye ball hath again been deflected. See how it dips beneath ye barre. Costantini's shutout is not complete!

Ye Referee: Ye Foul and Filthie Forties have scored.

Two-one to ye Gunnerse.

Sir Paul de Korngiebel: Oh ecstasy orgasm and rapture. Fortune hath smiled upon us.

Carroll: The empty vessel makes the most sound.

Celso: 'Tis neither here nor there.

The Earl of Cunningham: 'Twas naught but fluke, and their sun hath already set.

[Curtain falls]

* * * * * * * * *

Scene III. A soccer field in Greenwich.

Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse kick off.

Milenko: Verily, yon knave Guillermo is not a match for me! Indeed I shall nutmeg him.

Guillermo: This above all: t o thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou can'st not then nutmeg any man.

Squire Jimmy: See, Guillermo hath stolen ye ball. And look, he doth pass to Fergal.

Gelcius: Behold, Fergal hath split Ye Forties defence and he fires past Bretschger into the net.

Marty: 'Twas poetry, I warrant.

Ye Referee: Goal! Three-one to Ye Gunnerse.

Christian: But why doth Fergal emulate ye flyinge machine?

Cahill: I know not. 'Tis curious. Perhaps an Irish celebration.

Grundy: What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculty and form! How express and admirable in action! How like an angel in apprehension! How like a god! The beauty of the world!

Bretschger: We are undone.

Ye Referee: Thy sand hath run out. Full time! Ye Gunnerse prevail!

Ye Gunnerse [together]: Huzzah!

Gelcius: We are such stuff as dreams are made on.

Malloy: Victory is ours. Ye Pride Cuppe shall bear our colors for ever and a day.

Eric: Let us toast our fallen comrades. Clifford, Joey, Peter de Chetcuti and Thomas von Metzger, may your sun never set.

Sir Paul de Korngiebel: That it should come to this! My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.

Salazar: Hush yon whingeing, for mine ears art bleeding.

Vranos: Verily, Ye Forties will still be complaining five centuries from now.

Fergal: Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.

Marty: Action is eloquence. To the tavern!

[Curtain falls]

* * * * * * * * *

Scene IV. A seedy tavern in Greenwich, CT, brightly lit.

Ye Gunnerse stand arm in arm, holding tankards of beer.

All [singing]: Ole ole ole ole, ole ole!

Costantini: Ready. On three, boys!

Grundy: One . . . two . . . three.

All [in unison]: Go, ye Gunnerse!

[Curtain falls]

* * * * * * * * *

Dramatis Personae:

Cast of Players Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse: ·

Costantini: an Italian nobleman ·

Grundy: a merchant of fine rugges ·

Cahill: prince of Canuck ·

The Earl of Cunningham ·

Sir Hall of Drew ·

Eric: advisor to the king ·

Squire Jimmy: steward to the king ·

Rolf: lord chamberlain ·

Vranos: a money lender ·

Christian: captain of the guard ·

Marty: a make-up artist ·

Celso and Victor: defenders of the faith ·

Carroll: a steeple-jack ·

Gelcius: jester to the court ·

Clifford: an old soldier ·

Peter de Chetcuti and Thomas von Metzger: ghosts ·

Malloy: a gentleman ·

Joey: the Italian ambassador ·

Guillermo and Salazar: jugglers ·

Fergal: an Irish rogue ·

Anna, Tara, Lesley, Laurie and Joanna: courtesans ·

Ben, Bryan, Charlie, Molly, Oliver, Harry and Tara: mascots

 

Ye Foul and Filthie Forties: ·

The Duke of Saunders ·

Carss: his manservant ·

Sir Paul de Korngiebel: a knave most odious ·

Le Dauphin de Seiler, a villain ·

Ferguson: a Scottish miser and part-time idiot ·

Maughan: an amputee ·

Bretschger: chief leech collector ·

Peter: a ruffian ·

Elrod: groom of the stool ·

Gazidis: a Greek bench-warmer ·

Carvalho and Thorsen: grave-diggers ·

Avdullah: a mule skinner ·

Creton and Rollins: laborers ·

Guido and Milenko: lepers ·

Yost: the dung-keeper's assistant ·

Roger: a beggar

Ye Officials: *Ye referee * Ye merrie linesmen

* * * * * * * * *

Act I Scene I A seedy tavern in Greenwich, CT, dimly lit.

Grundy, Costantini and Cahill are huddled around a table, sipping Shirley Temples.

Costantini: To play the offside trap or not to play the offside trap: that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler on the field to suffer the slings and arrows of Korngiebel's usual bull*** or, by opposing, end them.

Cahill: But soft! "Offside" is but a word that cowards use, devised at first to keep the strong in awe.

Grundy: Verily, yonder Pride Cuppe awaits our pennants once more.

Costantini: 'Tis true, good sir, we hath only to overcome Ye Foul and Filthie Forties, 'ere we quaff Asti Spumante once more from out her silver portals.

Cahill: We few, we happy few, we band of brothers, shall put a dozen goals past the Duke of Saunders and his odious ruffians.

Grundy: Methinks 'tis long past time to emulate last year's four-nil thrashing.

[Enter waiter]

Ye Waiter: Come on now gentlemen, 'tis drinking up time, have ye no homes to go to?

Grundy: When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Costantini: When the hurlyburly 's done.

Cahill: When the battle's lost and won.

Grundy: Gentlemen, gentlemen, till the morrow, then.

Costantini: Good night, fine sirs. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Cahill: Upon thy cheek I lay this zealous kiss, as seal to the indenture of my love.

Grundy: Goodnight, sweet prince.

[Exeunt] [Curtain falls]

* * * * * * * * *

Scene II A soccer field in Greenwich.

Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse line up against Ye Foul and Filthie Forties under the watchful eyes of Ye Referee and his merrie linesmen.

Costantini: I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips, straining upon the start. God, the best maker of footy teams, combine our hearts in one!

All [shouting]: Gunners!

Ye Referee: If soccer be the food of love, play on.

[They play]

Squire Jimmy: 'Pon my word, hath Carss vanished?

Rolf: Verily, his absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let us make merry.

Malloy: 'Tis true, and I also think it strange that neither art Saunders and Creton to be found!

Gelcius: Cowards die many times before their deaths.

Squire Jimmy: I dote on their very absence

Rolf: But soft! See, 'tis Ferguson afoot upon the field.

Ye Gunnerse [together]: Who is Ferguson?!

Malloy: What ho! Eric hath performed yonder slide tackle. See how that scoundrel Gazidis limps!

All: Huzzah!

Gelcius: Meanwhile ye Gunnerse assault yon Forties goal in battalions.

Squire Jimmy: See! Ye Gunnerse are using the wings and Christian hath tested ye goalie twice now.

Rolf: Indeed, they are playing the short ball as instructed.

Malloy: Is the end nigh?

Gelcius: Have patience and endure. Surely ye net will ripple anon.

Squire Jimmy: See! Victor's first touch was immaculate and his shot hath been deflected into the goal. Ye Forties weep and wail.

Referee: One nil to ye Gunnerse!

Rollins: Oh woe is us!

Gelcius: Fair is foul, and foul is fair.

Referee: Ye clock hath struck. Half time!

[Exeunt] [Curtain falls]

* * * * * * * * *

Act II Scene I. A soccer field in Greenwich.

Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse take the field a second time against Ye Foul and Filthie Forties.

Ye Referee: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

Grundy: Cry "Havoc" and let slip the dogs of war!

Marty: Methinks 'tis time to pass to Cahill.

Cahill: This play's the thing wherein I'll test the eyesight of the ref.

Maughan: He wears the rose of youth upon him, but 'tis sure I shall clip this varlet's heels.

Cahill [falling]: Aaaaaggghhh!

Ye Referee: Penalty!

Maughan: I decree, fine sir, 'tis time to purchase a new pair of specs.

Ye Referee: I am not bound to please thee with mine answers.

Cahill: Dear Referee, t hou art as wise as thou art beautiful. 'Twas verily a foul most heinous.

Maughan: I am a man more sinned against than sinning.

Cahill [sotto voce]: Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it.

[Enter Salazar]

Salazar: How now, good sirs, for I am bound to take yon penalty! [

Salazar shoots and scores.]

Ye Referee: Two nil to Ye Gunnerse!

Sir Paul de Korngiebel: Verily, Cahill hath won ye Oscar, and yonder referee hath neither wit nor sight to guide him.

Marty: The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

[Curtain falls]

* * * * * * * * *

Scene II. A soccer field in Greenwich.

Ye Foul and Filthie Forties replace the ball upon the center spot and kick off.

Bretschger: We are in danger of losing this match most egregiously.

Guido: This is the true beginning of our end.

Le Dauphin de Seiler: A goal, a goal, my kingdom for a goal!

Sir Hall of Drew: Behold, Ye Forties hath begun moving ye ball around nicely.

Vranos: Are you sure 'tis indeed them, sire, and not a bunch of ringers?

Celso: 'Tis remarkable but true! Methinks they have improved yon passing tenfold.

Carroll: A shot! And see how Costantini hath leapt to block it!

Eric: Indeed he is a man among men!

Sir Hall of Drew: But soft! They attack again! Here cometh Avdullah and Gazidis with the ball at their very feet.

Carroll: Malloy and Grundy doth hound them too!

The Earl of Cunningham: I shall strike yon varlet. I must be cruel only to be kind.

Vranos: Alas, ye ball hath again been deflected. See how it dips beneath ye barre. Costantini's shutout is not complete!

Ye Referee: Ye Foul and Filthie Forties have scored.

Two-one to ye Gunnerse.

Sir Paul de Korngiebel: Oh ecstasy orgasm and rapture. Fortune hath smiled upon us.

Carroll: The empty vessel makes the most sound.

Celso: 'Tis neither here nor there.

The Earl of Cunningham: 'Twas naught but fluke, and their sun hath already set.

[Curtain falls]

* * * * * * * * *

Scene III. A soccer field in Greenwich.

Ye Fine and Fertile Gunnerse kick off.

Milenko: Verily, yon knave Guillermo is not a match for me! Indeed I shall nutmeg him.

Guillermo: This above all: t o thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou can'st not then nutmeg any man.

Squire Jimmy: See, Guillermo hath stolen ye ball. And look, he doth pass to Fergal.

Gelcius: Behold, Fergal hath split Ye Forties defence and he fires past Bretschger into the net.

Marty: 'Twas poetry, I warrant.

Ye Referee: Goal! Three-one to Ye Gunnerse.

Christian: But why doth Fergal emulate ye flyinge machine?

Cahill: I know not. 'Tis curious. Perhaps an Irish celebration.

Grundy: What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculty and form! How express and admirable in action! How like an angel in apprehension! How like a god! The beauty of the world!

Bretschger: We are undone.

Ye Referee: Thy sand hath run out. Full time! Ye Gunnerse prevail!

Ye Gunnerse [together]: Huzzah!

Gelcius: We are such stuff as dreams are made on.

Malloy: Victory is ours. Ye Pride Cuppe shall bear our colors for ever and a day.

Eric: Let us toast our fallen comrades. Clifford, Joey, Peter de Chetcuti and Thomas von Metzger, may your sun never set.

Sir Paul de Korngiebel: That it should come to this! My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.

Salazar: Hush yon whingeing, for mine ears art bleeding.

Vranos: Verily, Ye Forties will still be complaining five centuries from now.

Fergal: Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.

Marty: Action is eloquence. To the tavern!

[Curtain falls]

* * * * * * * * *

Scene IV. A seedy tavern in Greenwich, CT, brightly lit.

Ye Gunnerse stand arm in arm, holding tankards of beer.

All [singing]: Ole ole ole ole, ole ole!

Costantini: Ready. On three, boys!

Grundy: One . . . two . . . three.

All [in unison]: Go, ye Gunnerse!

[Curtain falls]

* * * * * * * * *