Gold Country Buzzards

by Dave "DL" Ribeiro What can be said about the greatest game ever played by the Gold Country Buzzards…except…APRIL FOOLS !!! The game started great with Ray Henry picking off more runners than the number of times Stat Man Big Dave picks his nose when he thinks nobody is looking. The Buzzards scored in both of the first two innings…thanks to Steve Cook thinking quickly on his feet…actually, if he was quick on his feet, that one-two pitch might not have hit him. Our second run was courtesy of the new guy, Craig Daniel…who doubled, stole third and came home on the catcher’s wild throw. Thanks Craig, that’s a $1 fine for running without the steal sign. Since Craig went three-for-three, you can keep the stinkin’ buck, okay? And speaking of catchers, how ‘bout that Dave Kelley, leaping high into the stratosphere to pull down a rebound (aka Ray Henry fastball) and throwing a perfect strike to Norm Tucker at 2nd base to get their fastest runner. The US Seismic Laboratory at UC Berkeley’s Lawrence Hall of Science recorded the tremor at exactly 2:27pm and it was felt as far away as Grass Valley. Pending independent confirmation from NASA’s satellite telemetry that actually both feet left the around at the same time, that’s a $1 fine for DK for throwing the ball to 2nd base while still looking skyward. Poor Dave had to leave the game early when Gregg “Surf Dawg” Novotny found the only part of Dave’s Anatomy (Thursday’s, 10:00pm on ABC) that was left unprotected. Gregg, that $1 fine goes directly to DK. And Pete “The Baron” Von Zboray gets stud of the week honors for donning the tools of ignorance in relief of DK. Second place goes to Norm Tucker for making every play at shortstop look not only effortless, but flawless. Actually, the 2nd most exciting defensive gem of the game didn’t even make it into the scorebook. One of the Patriot’s weak hitters (take your pick from many) hit a pop-up down the right field line. The law firm of Baker, Wukmir and Wronski, LLP, all held a meeting in foul territory before deciding to let it drop and give the hitter one more chance. As Dan “The Man Unusual” Wukmir dove in desperation, and in vain, and as silence fell over the greater part of the town of Colfax, population 1,725, the next sound heard was from the Buzzard’s dugout, as someone cried out in agony “Number 8 would have got to it!!!” That’s $1 from you, Cookie. At this point, the Patriots put the game out of reach with six unanswered runs over the next four innings. Amazingly, the only out hit us, 5-4, but we walked 10 of their batters to only three of ours. Dan “Spacey” Hasey held ‘em scoreless in their last at bat, and Craig Daniel score our last run on Norm Tucker’s sacrifice fly in the 7th. Today’s game marked the return of Tommy “TK” Keatley, who stole his first (of many more to come) base and chased down a few fly balls in center field. Once I dreamed I could play ball like TK, then I woke up with a cramp in my leg, and I had drooled all over my pillow. For your consideration, a man, troubled at home (plate), on the verge of a hat trick, which he would soon fulfill, still having the wherewithal to turn in THE NUMBER ONE MOST EXCITING DEFENSIVE GEM OF THE DAY.…If you missed it, you can see it tonight at ESPN’s Game Day. NOW PLAYING LEFT FIELD, NUMBER 24, JIM WAGNER….WAGNER…WAGNER…The headlines will read WAGNER GOES BELLY-UP TO KILL RALLY…With runners on 3rd and 1st, two outs, and one run already on the board, Jim Wagner stretches his body the way Big Dave stretches the truth to snag a sure in-between’er and save Gregg Novotny another two earned runs against his record. Hey Wags, that’s a $1 fine for excessive grass stains on your jersey. Remember, hand wash it in cold water or you’ll have to deal with the wrath of Ray. This match report would not be complete with mentioning the stellar base running skills of one Dan Wukmir. Not many can actually score from 2nd base on a double without going belly up (see above) between 3rd and home. For that, Dan the Man gets a $1 fine for excessive dirt stains on his jersey…Remember…cold water…hand wash…need I say more??? Spirits were high after the game, despite the disappointing loss. We didn’t give ‘em our best, which they’re sure to see the next time we face ‘em. Coach Bob Whitacre will lead the hit parade in two weeks against the Astros. FINAL SCORE: Patriots 8, Buzzards 4, 7 innings.