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What started out as good natured fun, took a turn to the bizarre late on Sunday evening when Tuna Can Jones QB, James Warnica, after awaking to urinate (as he does numerous times during the night, no thanks to Flomax) noticed all 46 members of Team Pub Fiction standing in his front lawn preparing to sacrifice a drunk guy wearing a chicken costume.
“I’ve got to be honest,” said a shaken Warnica from the courthouse steps following the temporary restraining order hearing, “I didn’t even know who these guys were until I started seeing them pop up around my neighborhood. I thought I recognized that Meerdo guy looking in my windows while pretending to be part of our landscaping crew, but I wasn’t positive until the next day when Moynihan called to say he had kidnapped my cat . . . I don’t even own a cat. And I even saw Parker and Evans going through my mother-in-law’s trash last weekend.” “The only reason I knew who they were was because they were wearing their Pub Fiction jerseys with their last names on back.”
Team Historian Sam Smith was hesitant to admit that there was any ‘obsession’. “Come on! Show me a flag football team that doesn’t have a team of videographers who record each and every game and then meets several times a week to break down said game film . . . and doesn’t have its own nutritionist and team mini-van to travel to and from the games . . . and don’t all have a ‘Pub Fiction’ tattoo on their lower back . . . and don’t all live together in Aubertine’s mom's basement, and don’t occasionally hire a high priestess skilled in the black art of Voodoo to cast spells on other teams.” “Like I said, we’re not doing anything that every other team in the Sunday night league doesn’t do.”
In a last ditch effort to beat its perceived nemesis, Pub Fiction brought in the Y.A. Tittle of flag football Houston Storm’s Matt Kacal. Initially Kacal was not eager to join the team. “I mean, from the outside you only see a team whose members are exploited psychologically and financially by its charismatic leaders. Sure, the members of Pub Fiction meet almost all the criteria of a cult . . . lack of self-confidence, gullibility, desire to belong to a group, frustrated spiritual searching, and the latent homosexuality thing is pretty obvious to anyone who’s paying attention.”
“But to be honest after sizing up their roster, I noticed something interesting. Their members were primarily former Texas aTm students. So of course there’s going to be propensity to seize on ‘rivalries’ with a far superior opponent who quite frankly sees them with disdainful indifference. I think they learn that at fish camp. They don’t let a history of one-sided domination dissuade them from thinking that they’re part of heated rivalry. Once I realized they were just aggies, well I figured it wouldn’t hurt anything to play a season or two with them . . . especially when my other option was spending another week in the Pub Fiction Dungeon. ‘It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again’ can be a pretty convincing argument after a month.”
Italian-African-American Pass Rusher Lamar Pagnotta does admit to being a little anxious about this weekend’s showdown with TPF. “We’re planning on going at it a little differently than we have in past games against them. First and foremost, we’ll probably use more than 7 guys when we play them.”
Just this past weekend Kacal took Pub Fiction to a tournament in Dallas where they destroyed the competition in the women’s lower-rec division. According to Kenny Brunette, TCJ isn’t going to downplay their accomplishments just because they played against teams comprised primarily of women and children, “Look, they didn’t just squeak by those girls. In many cases they won by a touchdown or two.”
“I’ve been playing A-level ball for years with the Austin Headhunters,” said defensive captain Mike Morrison, who manages to drop the fact that he played for the Headhunters into almost any conversation he has. “You ask anyone in the state -- a Matt Kacal team would never sandbag in a lower division. If he determined that they were going to play women’s lower-rec, then that was certainly the toughest division in the tournament. Kacal's Storm teams never shy away from playing at the sport's highest level, and he's trying to instill that same fearlessness attitude in the young Pub guys.”
Kacal Comes Clean: Admits Lying About Age
