West Allis NATIONALS Baseball

The brain wizards of the Milwaukee County Parks Department received a complaint from a McCarty Park parks employee on Wednesday August 15, 2001. The complaint states that "those #$%holes pissed all over the brand new bases!" This writer was unable to give the wizards the names of the violators as they had requested. He apologized to the league and the park for said actions and assumed responsibility for the conduct of his team. The wizards are taking name(s.) It makes it easier for them if they can target an actual person/people for suspensions. We will discuss this matter further at our winter meeting. Rock on. Three Peat.

#41 has taken the plunge and moved out on his own. He is the proud tenant of a luxury flat on Hayes Avenue in West Allis. Given James' naivete and lack of a woman in his life, it is clear that he may not understand that he owes his teammates an opportunity to share the love as he moves up in the world. That being stated, I strongly suggest that James invite his teammates over for an appropriate housewarming celebration. Of course we would all come bearing gifts!

Ever the trend setters, the Nationals today announced the signing of T-Ball star, Alex Elliott. Though 4 years of age, Elliott decided to bypass Little League and enter the team's farm system. Terms of the agreement were not disclosed, sources indicated that Elliott's signing bonus consisted of 2 happy meals, a matchbox car, and 3 juice boxes. Regarding his decision to commit to the Nationals at such a young age, Elliott replied, "My dad said if I was going to have to face 14 year olds in Little League, I might as well just make the leap to County Minor Ball." Nationals management has stated that it will bring Elliott along slowly and has no plans for him to be with the big club til the 2013 season. One unnamed source said, "we'd like to give him ample time to become acclimated to the amateur game. The drinking, the women, JJ and Laura - it's a lot to ask of a 4 year old." Though stats are not kept on the T-Ball circuit, scouts were impressed with Elliott's balance, impeccable dress, and on-the-field presence. "If I didn't know better, I'd say he was a 6 year old - and that's no exaggeration," said one scout. Elliott will be assigned to the Class Z rookie club in the 78th Street neighborhood. The club has a strong tradition in player development, and has sent Andy Tocco, among others, to the parent club over the years. "I'm just going to take it one day at a time, and the good Lord willing, one day I will be called upon to help the parent club," said the team's newest farmhand.

The Nationals chose this year's honorees at the championship picnic/golf outing on Sunday afternoon. Current and former players were eligible to vote. MVP: Mark Van Hart Veteran of the Year: Chris Marks Harvey Kuenn Batting Champ: Mike Czarnecki Dave Kuhnke Pitching Champ: Nick Kibler Rookie of the Year: Chris Kaebisch Jeff Neibauer Spirit: Jake Koutnik Laura Zimmer Congratulations to all who participated in and/or supported the franchise during its finest season ever.

UPDATE: August 20, 2001 Though fugitive canine handler Andy Butorac remains at-large, Butorac copycatters are appearing throughtout West Allis. Such copycatters typically are not violent. Rather they seek public affirmation. Regardless, they are to be approached with caution, as they are often sociopaths. The Butorac copycatter to the right is James Herkowski. A background investigation revealed a history of neurotic episodes. On one occaision, Herkowski abandoned his team only to be rejected during a casting call for "Dawson's Creek." A narcissist with meglamaniacal tendencies, Herkowski regularly seeks the spotlight. He prefers to hit in the leadoff spot and ritualistically washes his hands to maintain his perceived screen image. This Butorac copycat episode is Herkowski's most successful effort yet, and certainly won't be his last.